'G.I. JOE: Penthesilea's Breastplate': Chapter Two: Rated Violence:

[Fallout Three Fanboy]

Storm Shadow helped Arthur Summerlee towards the COBRA position, two COBRA Medics ran up to Summerlee. "Save his life, I shall reward you handsomely." Within ten minutes, a COBRA medical evacuation helicopter had Summerlee airborne to COBRA island; a team of COBRA surgeons had soon successfully operated on Summerlee and saved his life.

Storm Shadow paid them a thousand gold serpentines, his word was his bond. Meanwhile, Penthesilea's Breastplate was loaded aboard a COBRA transport plane and flown to COBRA. Destro supervised the moving of the ship to his science.

"MARS Troopers." "Lord Destro?" "Kill Dr. Mindbender and/or Serpentor if they even look at the outside door, I want no incompetence to menace this artifact.' Destro had teams of both Science Vipers and MARS scientists
hook the lab's mainframe scanner up to examine Penthesilea's breastplate.

KAPOW! The mainframe shorted out. "Now, how do we proceed to study this artifact?" Destro mused aloud. "How do we harness its power for COBRA?"
""I may be able to help you." Summerlee stood in the open doorway.

Destro smiled. "What do you need." "A library, some paper, and some pens." "Granted. When may you begin?" Summerlee smiled ." Take me to the library and I can start."

Immediately, three Science Vipers were assigned to Summerlee. "Guardswoman Osborne." "Lord Destro?" Guard Summerlee all the time, report to me daily at 4 p.m. by PDA, as to Summerlee's progress."

"Yes, Milord". And so MARS Guardswoman Brenda Osborne came to Summerlee. Little did they realize, they would impact one another's life.

The South American jungle. Sgt. Duke Hauser clutched an M14A2 rifle,
as Recondo chopped trees down with a machete. "Scarlett, how goes your infiltatrtion with Beach Head and Gungo Ho." "We've got an observation post
set up here, Duke. COBRA has set up a landing zone, and they're unloading crates from the Amazon Temple."

Beach Head was there, an MP5 in his hands, both Scarlett and Gung Ho held M14A2s. sUddenly, Firefly noticed them. He hurled a firebomb at their position, then Firefly began spraying a M249 SAW at them.

"COBRA!" AK47-armed COBRA infantry joined in, as the Joe trio took cover in a ditch."Duke, we've
been discovered, send help!" Duke radioed for Joe air support, the fight was on.

[RobRoy]

Still interesting, so I'm looking forward to more.

Ok, quick lesson on dialogue:

When using dialogue you need to be very certain to identify who is speaking, unless it is painfully clear otherwise. If there are only two speakers, then you identify them the first time they speak in their exchange and don't need to do so again. If a new speaker is introduced, then you have to be very clear on who is who.

Dialogue should also be placed in a linear fashion, rather than horizontal as you have it. I've seen it done in the style you use, but this can quickly become confusing. So, unless you're Thomas Pynchon, I suggest sticking with the standard. For example:

Destro smiled. "What do you need."

"A library, some paper, and some pens," Summerlee replied.

"Granted. When may you begin?"

"Take me to the library and I can start."

You can also play with facial expressions, stutters, stammers, etc. during the dialogue to convey any feelings you find necessary. But the format is definately the important thing here.

Again, I will comment on your lack of specifics, or being too specific for your audience. You don't want to limit yourself to G.I. Joe fans only, or you're missing the opportunity to cross sell to a whole host of other audiences. So you need to explain what MARS stands for, why they're impressive, etc.

Character descriptions would be helpful too. Details on these things are important.

Less important are the types of armament that individual folk carry, but if you're going to specify it, then you need to provide some description in that vein. Most readers aren't going to know the difference between and MP5 and an MP3!

Finally, I'm pretty certain that you don't want Recondo chopping "trees down with a machete". Perhaps you mean foilage, vines, saplings, etc. Trailblazing in a general sense. Cutting down trees with a machete would be a day long task.