Posted: May 07, 1999 at 14:17:52: by Scarmig
Legolas has a 'magic' bow that rapid-fires lasers.
'Gandalf's Theme' involves the London Symphony Orchestra backing up Metallica
Digitally inserting a cameo appearance by Professor Tolkien at the While Council
Jim Carrey as Legolas
Product Placement. (The inn at Bree serves Budweiser!)
Sexual references to the size of Gandalf's 'staff'
Gandalf steps up to the Balrog and says "Yur goin' down M**F**!"
Samuel L Jackson as Gandalf (on a Gandalf kick here, bear with me)
Frodo admonishes Gandalf for smoking in his hobbit-hole because, "It's a fil-thy habit!"
The three trolls from the Hobbit appear as comic relief after Frodo gets stabbed by the Nazgul. ("And den one of dem said,'Yur da burgler. Burgle someting!'")
Michael J Fox as Legolas
Making the Noldor 'cute elves' instead of tall, beautiful, and terrible.
Keanu Reeves allowed anywhere within 500 miles of the movie sets.
Nobody uses swords or blades to draw blood, just to defend themselves ala Xena/Hercules.
Strider uses kung fu
Frodo uses kung fu
The Nazgul use kung fu
Naked hobbits
: Being the helpful, wise folk we are at the White Council, let us help Mr. Jackson with the films he is making. Here is a tounge-in-cheek list. Please Wise Council Members, assist me in making this list more complete! :^)
: -Steve S. : Mistakes we hope Peter Jackson will avoid in filming Lord of the Rings : Confuse plot with Lord of the Flies.
: Gender benders - Gandalf or Sam is female.
: Gratuitous chase scenes inserted.
: Exploding helicopters.
: Galadriel looks like she came out of a Boris Vallejo painting.
: Keanu Reeves as Strider.
: Muppets used for Orcs.
: Frank Oz does Gollum's voice.
: Give Frodo fairy wings to escape the exploding volcano.
: Use the approach for the first Star Trek movie - long hours of slow special effects wrapped around a minimal plot.
: Casting the southern sheriff from the Bond movies as the Captain of the Nazgul.
: Pamella Lee as anyone.
: The Knights who say "Ni" as Ents.
: Saruman of Many Colors wearing Tie-dye.
: Gimli armed with chain saw.
: Elves with very pointy shoes and/or halos.
: Sound track by Ice T, Zamphir, Wayne Newton, or ABBA.
: Sauron is Frodo's evil twin & the climax is their fight.
: Gollum is undercover spy for Valar.
: Merry & Pippin gay.
: Sauron is CEO of evil, polluting multinational corporation.
: Hobbits wear Nike.
: Smoking pipes replaced with chewing gum for health reasons.
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