Posted: December 02, 1999 at 01:28:34: by David Freitag
Sauron to Balrog:
Hey, guy, really appreciated you trashing the dwarves a thousand years ago, great job! but haven't you been a bit inactive lately. Sure you were traumatized when big Morgoth bought it, but believe me, the Hosts of the Valar didn't stick around. There lots of easy pickings,around. Me, since the old days I've worn down the elves until they're just a pitiful remnant. Remember that bunch of crafts-elves, used to make such a racket outside your west-door: gone, more than 4 thousand years ago! Yes, that was me, and I did them in i an especially nasty way, set up a trap that is still snaring the mighty, even played a role in putting those dwarves in your path...I've also seen to the drowning of the most powerful bunch of men ever, and have all but eliminated their last descendants. The final blow will fall soon!So look, there's no need to keep hiding in the depths. And there's a job you could do for me, it'd be a real treat for you, and I'd appreciate it so much. You hate elves, how could you not. There's a whole bunch of them camped out in a forest to your east. Real dopey elves too, dreaming away in a little replica of their glory days, gold trees and songs, makes me retch, surely their insipid songs have disturbed your slumbers. Silencing them would be a cinch. What's that? Yeah, their leader is a real tough broad, not an easy one to pull a fast one on, but I got her eyes glued on my old digs in the big forest. Hit her and her bunch hard from behind, she'll never know what hit her! Tell you what, I'll throw a big assault at her out of the forest, early spring, same time as I break the men's run down stone city.
It'll be the type of victory Morgoth should have had! Sure we had to wait too long, but our victory is in sight, they don't have a chance, hate to see you miss out on the final blow! Hey, this just in. There's some pests from up north coming your way. Just nine, one elf, one dwarf, two men who think their great warriors, and, get this four little imps, don't know nothing. Mind picking them off if I can herd 'em your way. Whadda ya mean, sounds too easy. The dwarf is kin to the bunch that tried to elbow their way back in a few years ago, the elf is one of the lesser breeds that like to hide in forests. The men might be descended from the same folks as Beren and Turin, but believe you me that breed ain't what it used to be. Yeah, sure the orcs can take that sort of riffraff by themselves, just thought you'd enjoy the fun, practice for broadsiding the golden tree gang. Of course I know you can count. It's just that the ninth one is so pathetic I'd forgotten to metion him. He's a frail old man, can you believe it, hobbles on a staff, a puff of wind'll knock him over. Ok, he knows a few tricks or two, can light a fire and open doors, guess he has to be of some use. You'll snap him up, just crack that whip of yours. Why do I care about this bunch. Don't really. Just troublemakers. One of them has something stolen from me long time ago. Hate to bother you about it, you know I have a weakness for elvish knicknacks, I like glitter, you've got so much and this Ring has sentimental value, Morgoth gave it to me as a trophy for squashing Finrod. If you find it, I'd really appreciate it, reminds me of the old boss'es better moods. So whadda ya say big B. Let's knock em dead!
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